I want|to|be perfect

I broke out into a cold sweat today because I couldn't purge. This sucks. I really want to be healthy and eat normally without feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety. I don't want to feel unworthy of food and nutrition. But at the same time I fear fat. I can't stand the weight of food inside me, pulling me to the floor as I walk, growing and pushing my body outwards as it digests. I want to grow inwards, to crawl inside myself and move backwards in my body.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I do it. I want so badly to erase my past, the self-loathing, the rape, the loneliness, and everything else. I want it to not exist so I'm trying to move my body backwards, to shrink rather than to grow, to rub out the past days, months, years as I rub out the shape of my body. I want to mould my past into something else, something beautiful, something that I want to remember and so maybe, just maybe I'm grasping for that by moulding my body.

I want people to remember me. Not for being the fat girl with all the problems, the one that keeps her eyes on the ground when she walks, her hands protectively covering her stomach, no, I want to be remembered as the thin girl, the pretty girl, the popular girl, the happy girl, the strong girl. I want people to look at me when I walk past them, I want them to whisper to their friends that they wish they were like me, want them to envy my self-control and strength. I don't want to be something to someone, I want to be everything to everyone. Maybe that's me being selfish or vain or whatever the hell it is you think I'm being, but I don't care anymore. I'm sick of being me, I just want to be what I'm looking for.

Right now though, I'm not quite sure exactly what that is.

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