I want|to|be perfect

I just watched eight legged freaks and now I keep thinking there's a spider on my head, God I hate spiders *Shudder*

My dad is gonna get me some scales YAY!! I can't wait to weigh myself all the time, but I'm dreading seeing my weight on those scales for the first time. But at least I'll be able to monitor how much I lose or don't lose, it makes everything easier.

Here's what I've eaten since Tuesday without puking it back up or chewing it and spitting it out:

* 1 sausage with batter

* 1 packet of revels

* 1 small bowl of smash

* 2 crackers 25 cals each

So I haven't stuck to my no food idea, that will have to start again tomorrow because I had my smash today. I can't describe how bloated and full I felt after eating it, it was like I was about to explode. I wanted to run out of Blockbusters and puke it up on the street... but that wouldn't have been very good as people would have seen. I nearly passed out again while I was putting the shopping away and I was scared I would hit my head so I sat down on the floor and drank a glass of water. I like this feeling, because it means that my body is reacting to the food restriction and the weight will keep coming off. I won't give in this time though, I refuse to swallow food, it's nothing but trouble. Those things I've eaten since Tuesday have made me feel guilty, fat, weak and pathetic for giving in to them. When I get my scales I can set up my progress chart, and work out how much I need to lose.

It feels strange wanting ana back, the last time she was with me I had no choice and she controlled me but this time I think we'll work together, it's easier that way and I know I probably sound like a right fuck-up but this is the only thing I can control. All my life I've felt out of place and unwanted, people have hurt me bad and it's time for me to take control. I know with Ana that she wants to be with me, and I've realised that my place is by her side and she is meant to be by mine. So I guess this is my way of saying "Up yours" to the man who raped me, "up yours" to those who've brought me down and "up yours" to the other people who have fucked around with me and made me the messed up chick you're reading about. That's if anyones actually reading, I wouldn't be surprised if nobody reads this at all.

It's 4 months till I'm 17, I can't wait to start driving. Once I pass my test I can just drive anywhere I want, whenever I want. I'll be able to get away from all the shit at home and nobody can stop me. Bring on the Birthday...

Those damn imaginary spiders on my head... *scratch scratch* and no I don't have nits...

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