I want|to|be perfect

It's gone beyond an uncomfortable feeling of guilt and shame when I eat. Now it's physical pain. Stomach pains, side pains, back pains. I can feel the food coming back up and I have to run to the bathroom to puke.

I haven't been keeping anything down lately. Hardly consuming anything at all but when I do it hurts and so I puke. Maybe it't just my mind telling me it hurts but there you go, it feels different. This is the longest I've succumbed to my eating disorder without stopping starving and purging for even a short while in between. I've been doing one or the other or both for 5 months without stopping. Normally I do one for a few weeks and then I just eat and eat. Not now though. Not now.

It feels so good, this hollow feeling. It's spreading through my body. At first it was contained to my stomach but now it screams in my throat at times, and my chest, pounding on my skin to feed. That's when I know I'm winning.

So I haven't eaten for most of this week, I had chicken fried rice tonight. I got it to test myself, and I passed I think. After one mouthful I felt ill, full and ready to vomit. I started crying (she who never cries, and she cried over food) and had to curl up because it hurt so much. Chicken fried rice, once my most loved food is now nothing to me. It doesn't taste beautiful anymore, now it tastes of, well, nothing. Most food has no taste these days, but there are days when I smell food and desperately want to scoff it, all of it. Days when I think of a food and it dances on a plate in my head, singing a song to tempt me. And I fall in love with this adorable gimmick and eat, until I feel like I can't breathe. Saying that, you probably picture me sitting and eating the cupboards and fridge out but I don't. When I binge, I still don't eat as much as I should eat to be considered "normal". That's what's so crazy, I don't even know if I should be linked to an eating dosorder. I don't fulfill the criteria of either ED's so why am I sitting here and talking as if I have an eating disorder? Fuck.

I don't have an eating disorder. I don't. I'm not thin enough to be anorexic. Fucking hell I'm confusing myself. On my doctors files it says Anorexic/Bulimic. Why do they have that there? Because I told them I had strange eating habits and because I lost weight. Fuck, if that's the case then every woman in the world should have a label on their head saying "I have an eating disorder."

What am I talking about? Just ignore this rant of jibberish. I started saying one thing and have completely turned against it. Oh I don't know what I was saying. Meh. My brain just isn't right at the minute. Wait, scratch that, my brain has never been right.

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