I want|to|be perfect

I don't really know what to say. I feel like a child who's hiding behind her mothers skirt. Shy and frightened. But I don't know why.

Today has been one of those where I don't want to talk or look at anyone, just sit in my own shadow and wait. For something to come along or maybe for something to go. I don't know, I don't expect to either.

It's too hard to explain how I feel tonight, I wish I could, I wish I actually knew. But I don't. All I know is that I was too weak to draw a pencil line today, too weak to walk too fast, or to make any sudden movements. So I lived in slow motion today, in my body and mind.

My eyes feel like deep, calm pools, waiting for that first rain drop to ripple the surface and cause waves. Inside it feels like I'm crying, deep down inside...

I found photographs hidden away in my drawers today. Images that test my tears. Such happy times, such innocence and hope. Where did it go? Who stole it from me? What's he done with it?

I don't even know what he looks like. The man who pinned me to the ground and with imaginary knives, cut my heart and innocence out of me. I wouldn't know his face again, ever. And that makes me feel better sometimes, but other times I realise that I could be sitting next to him on the bus.

Would he know it was me? Would he still smell himself on my body? After hours and hours of scrubbing each day I can still smell him. It would be nice to slip out of my skin and into a new body. Someone pure, clean and innocent.

the scars on my arms spell "whore, dirty, cheap slapper."

Oh well, life goes on right? I'm glad I met Chrissy. She's wonderful and kind. I hope we'll be friends forever, I'll be there for you always when you need me xoxox

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