I want|to|be perfect

Well, well... well.

Camping was...hot. I got a tan which is a good thing but I felt so paranoid and anxious it was scary.

We went for supper in the bar and I had half a jacket potato with salad. It made me feel so ill, and then I was drinking bold blue which made me drunk. I went back to the tent while dad and Josie stayed for the disco and I was sat reading in the car, frantically worrying about what I'd just eaten and drank. I was considering puking into a bag and walking over to the bins but decided I was too scared to walk through the field when all the other people were sat outside their tents. There was a toilet block directly behind me but I was paranoid that people would notice how long I took in there.

So I sat in the car, shaking and wishing I hadn't eaten. Wishing I'd stayed in the tent, I'd been doing so well with the starving and then I ate. I ate because I didn't want to let Josie down, she really wanted me to go with her. So I read for awhile, not really seeing the words, just a blur of panic. Then I got into the tent and did my sit-ups, 100 frenzied sit-ups which killed my stomach and sides. Then I fell asleep to the sound of laughter and fun coming from the rest of the campsite.

When we got back home today we had a barbecue at Nana's, because mam is staying there. She gets thinner everytime I see her and she makes damn sure I know it. A comment here, a comment there. "I worry the weight off, I really can't help it." Just shut the fuck up.

We both sat there, silently, denying food. "Burger Lora?" clenched teeth, eyes on her. "No thanks, I'm not hungry." "Oh." silence and knowing glances. It felt like we were in a competition, to see who could be the hungriest and who would give in first. But I know that's not how it really was, it's just me being paranoid because she's getting thinner and I'm not. It's the same everytime I see her. I feel threatened, I see her looking at me and thinking fat. Well I look back at her, eyes sharper than the blades I sleep with, and think

You can fuck right off. You were never there for me so don't give me any more of those crocodile tears when I tell you not to touch me or kiss me, just go back to thinking the world revolves around you and I'll go back to looking for something that was never there, looking for a mother.

Well, I backed down and ate a sausage which led to more food at home. When it was my turn for a bath I dropped to my knees like I was about to pray (which in a sense I was) and I didn't have time to think about what I was doing until the first splashes of vomit hit the bowl. I was frantic, I had no control over myself like I normally do. Normally I can stop whenever I want mid-purge, but today was different. I felt like I was watching from the bath tub, stroking the girls back as she vomited, pulling back her hair as she stuck her fingers down her swollen, raw throat. I felt completely detached from myself.

So I've gotten to the stage where I panic and pace the room, itching, near tears whenever I eat a bite of food. I thought I was bad before but now It feels different, worse. It's gone so deep inside me that I can't actually feel it anymore. It's like I was holding a rope on the disorder before but now I've fallen and the rope has escaped my grasp, allowing this thing to seep into my core, deeper and darker so that I can't find and grab it again.

It feels horrible yet exciting, the physical pain is telling me to stop but I can't. I don't want to and even if I did, it's not so easy anymore.

Anyway, I've bored the pants off you all so I'll be going to bed now.

Nite xoxo

online