I want|to|be perfect

god. How long do I have to wait to add an entry?

So it's 4:30am and I'm still here. I have no life. My dad left for work 2 hours ago and I have to be up to get the kids ready for school in 3 hours. I feel dizzy but I'm refusing to sleep. Aren't I clever. Instead, I'm sitting here with my blade tainting my skin and am ready to go and stick my crimson finger nails down my throat.

Oh but everything's fine because the birds started singing outside.

God I hate me today. More than usual.

walking on rainclouds, stepping over the puddles.

looking for my rainbow, she's sucked the colours out of me.

things were going quite well for me, I felt good... but now... I seem to be falling again, and I'm not reaching out my hands to stop myself.

the wind in my hair feels better than being trapped in the crowded room.

I just want to move on. I don't want to be stuck in this moment for the rest of my life. I've been here for almost 3 years now and it's getting old. I want to learn to love myself and the people around me, I want the scars to fade and heal, I want to feel alive. Do I want too much? Maybe.

Well it's light outside now. I know I need to sleep but as usual I'm denying my body of what it wants. I just don't want the nightmares to come this morning. I know they will. I can feel them crawling under my skin, that's why the redness is so appealing right now... I'm thirsty for more dirty blood.

suck me dry, lick my wounds and kiss my scars goodbye.

put your dirty hands on my dirty body and we'll have dirty sex.

imagining that my tears are washing us both clean again.

Don't wait up for me, I'm not coming home tonight.

online