I want|to|be perfect

First day back at work today. Before I went I almost cried because I was so scared of going back. The first hour I spent trying to stop my hands from shaking and my vision from escaping me but then I calmed down and enjoyed myself. Yeah, it feels like I've never been away from the place, even though I had a 3 month break.

There were a few times when I got paranoid and anxious, different groups of lads over the night kept staring at me while they were waiting for their food. They didn't even look away when I looked at them, just carried on staring like I had a sign on my head or something. So I almost cried again and ran to the toilets to cool off. There was nothing on my face, nothing on my uniform, I checked and double checked and then checked again in the mirror. So why were they staring at me, just me, all night?

God, how fucking rude.

I'm getting all hot and flustered just thinking about it now. Why did they have to stare? It makes me so much more aware (if that's possible) of how I look and how much I really wish I didn't.

Grrrrrr.

It was great being back at work, I don't know why I was so worried. I was on my feet for 6 hours, rushing about like a looney and for my break I smiled and refused any food, saying I'd eaten a huge lunch and settled for a diet coke instead. Aaah. Diet coke, my new found love. I took my drink and walked up and down the street, smoking and sipping the diet coke, wrapped in my new cardi that's so soft and nice.

I noticed when I was serving people, I looked at them more than I used to. I was seeing some people and thinking,

" eating disorder. definately. yeah, she's definately an anorectic/bulimic. "

I don't know why.

I had no evidence but I thought I could see right into their souls. I thought I was right at the time but it's probably just me being crazy from lack of food. I feel protective over the women customers too, If her husband talks too harshly or grabs her arm in anger I panic and want to jump over the counter and punch his head in.

Ah, I'm sending myself crazy here. I'm tired and starving but not hungry. (yeah stupid shit, that makes sense...duh.) Even after being around all that food all night I'm not really hungry. I've been practically starving all week, apart from a few calories every day (43 today, I had one of those fruit bags from mcdonalds when I'd finished). I think after 3 day of no food, I always lose my hunger for awhile. Then after about 10 days my body suddenly jump-starts itself and I find my hands in the cupboard and my face in the toilet. It's pretty fucked up but I'm just enjoying the hollow feeling right now.

OOh, my uniform fits me better now, I think I must have lost some weight, everyone keeps telling me I have but I just can't see it. I know I must have because I've dropped a dress size but when I look in the mirror I still see that fat, ugly whore staring back at me. I dunno what's up with me, maybe i'm just crazy.

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