I want|to|be perfect

I thought these personal storm clouds would have faded or moved on by now but they're still hanging here and I'm scared. I do stupid things when the clouds are there, blocking the light from my view. I do stupid things like thinking about suicide all the time, and if they stay long enough I try it.

I don't want that, I really don't. That's why I want the sun to come out in my heart, I know it's there, pushing at the clouds, elbowing to get through. I just hope that she comes out soon to dry away my tears.

Yeah, I cried yesterday. First time in how long? It felt good and I wanted to hold that emotion in my hand for as long as I could. But it was a brief encounter in an unfamiliar land and soon I was walking backwards along the numb stretch of cold concrete in my heart again.

I wish I could cry for days,
I wish I could cry at movies,
I wish I could cry because someone forgot my birthday,
I wish I could cry because my mum's never been there for me and she isn't coming back,
I wish I could cry when a friend cries,
I wish I could cry because he hurt me,
I wish I could cry when I look in the mirror,
I wish I could cry when the knife is deep,
I wish I could cry and release everything I feel.

But I can't cry, instead I feel a deep, intense, dark, mind-and-soul-numbing, unbearable...nothing.

Just please...let me cry God, let me shed tears every fucking day. Is that so much to ask? ::(I'm sorry the previous and next buttons are being stupid and not working properly... I don't know what the problem is. I've seen it happen a few times around diaryland so maybe there's a problem with the server and what-not. Sorry again.)::

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